Fit In Real Life

The Core of Confidence

Long-time readers of this blog may remember that of all the muscle groups one can work, the one I most despise working is my core. It's nothing personal -- I just find working my abs to be painful and tiring in its own unique, hellish way. So I was very proud of myself last week when I took a new workout class and managed to power through a difficult core set that included a stability ball, a medicine ball and a wheeled cart. My muscles felt slightly tight at the end of the class, but by the next day?

 

Ouch.

 

It's been a long time since my muscles have hurt that much. We're talking walk-around-with-one-hand-on-your-stomach-warning-people-not-to-make-you-laugh kind of sore. But I found myself oddly proud of the pain -- a symbolic reminder of the hard work I'd done. The core is really the physical center of body image, isn't it? A strong core affects how you hold yourself, how you walk and how you move through the world. Keeping my core fit really should be at the top of my agenda.

 

And yet...there's that whole pain thing.

 

I'm heading back to that class this morning, where I'm sure I'll face another tough core challenge. And should I get too proud of myself or need inspiration, I'll have to remember these ladies.

 

Show-offs.

 

 

Watch Your Language!

"You think you're fat? Look at my thighs!"

 

C'mon, we've all done it...engaged in that most-curious female bonding ritual now commonly known as "fat talk." In some social circles, it's virtually a requirement; in fact, you're the odd girl out if you dare to say something positive about your body.

 

Delta Delta Delta (and, yes, if you're a long-time Saturday Night Live fan, I know you just said to yourself, 'Can I help ya, help ya, help ya?'), a national sorority, has joined with Seventeen magazine, NOW, the National Eating Disorders Association and AED to kick off "Fat Talk Free" Week, a five-day public awareness initiative to draw attention to the damage that this kind of talk can do.

 

You did know it was damaging, right? Every time we say to our friends, our sisters, our mothers or our daughters, "I'm so fat" or "I could never wear that," we're sending a message. Ever felt pretty good about the way you looked on a given day until you ran into a friend who said, "Ugh. I've gained so much weight, I look disgusting?" And she's even thinner than you are?

 

Exactly.

 

If you think that what we tell ourselves -- and others -- about the way we look doesn't really matter, think again. And watch this thought-provoking video from the Tri-Delt campaign for a little perspective.

 

Fat talk is a habit that can be changed, with effort and courage. It may not be easy, but it's worth it.

 

A Valentine To Your Body

When was the last time you said, "I love you" to your body?

 

Has it been too long? Then take a moment this Sunday, Oct. 12, to appreciate your body exactly as it is. You'll be in good company because it's National Love Your Body Day. The annual event, sponsored by the National Organization for Women (NOW), is all about putting aside the pressures of the media and ourselves to look a certain way and just appreciating who we are -- and what we look like -- at this moment. Talk about empowering!

 

If you're near L.A., you might want to check out the day-long celebration being planned by Hollywood NOW. It'll feature celebrities and entertainment, including a "Real Women" fashion show. How fun! Wish I could be there, but I'm on the East Coast.

 

It's nice to see Hollywood talking about the body image effects that the media can have on girls and women. Think you're media-savvy? Take this quiz and see how you do.

 

Of course, every day should be love your body day. But if you're struggling with self-acceptance, try it just this one day and see how it feels...no negative comments about yourself, no eye-rolls when you look in the mirror, no comparisons -- and self-judgments -- when you see another woman on the street. Just for today, turn off the bad body chatter and see how different your day feels.

 

 

Bad Body Habits

When it comes to bad habits, I've got my share -- maybe more than my share, if you ask my husband. But lately, I've been thinking about my bad body habits...you know, the things I keep saying or doing that affect the way I feel about my body.

 

During my intense year with Shape, the focus was not only on losing weight, but on creating and building new habits that would support a healthy lifestyle forever. I also worked with my life coach on dropping some of the bad habits I'd been carrying, like feeling guilty about taking time away from work or my family to go work out, judging myself and telling myself that success was essentially all or nothing. We've all got those little things we do that affect not only us, but those around us.

 

I'm notorious for not being able to take a compliment and I've started to see how negative a habit that can be. When someone tells me I look great and I say, "No, I don't" or some other self-deprecating remark, it diminishes not only me, but the person giving the compliment. Just this past weekend, I went to a birthday party and heard one woman say to another, "You look fantastic! Have you lost weight?" (I won't get started on the whole topic of the "weight loss greeting" -- that's a post for another time). Instead of saying thanks, she replied dismissively, "Are you kidding? I've gained five pounds. I'm so bloated." My eyes went immediately to the face of the woman who'd given the compliment. She looked kind of like she'd been slapped.

 

That got me thinking: When someone (a husband, a child, a friend, etc.) tells us we're beautiful and we shrug it off, aren't we basically telling them that they don't know what beauty is? Didn't our mothers always tell us that beauty was in the eye of the beholder?

 

This is one habit I'm trying really hard to break.

 

Just yesterday, even though my hair is horribly overgrown and in need of color at the moment, my daughter said, "Your hair looks really nice, Mom." The urge to say, "No, it doesn't" welled up immediately, but I stopped myself and simply said, "Thanks, hone."

 

And you know what? The smile on her face was worth the effort of biting my tongue.

 

After all, she thinks I'm beautiful. Who am I to tell her she's wrong?

School Picture Day

Remember school picture day? Agonizing over the perfect outfit to wear, what to do with your hair...it was all planned down to the last detail. As I watched my daughter get ready this morning, I flashed back to my own junior high school days. Even though those photos weren't always my best look, they're a record -- not only of who I was, but of how far I've come.

 

As a mom, there's something humbling about sliding your child's new school picture into the frame. We keep all of ours in the same frame, so every time I put a new picture in, I go through all the old photos and marvel at how much my kids have changed. If you've ever wanted proof of how quickly time flies, just look at the changes in a child from year to year.

 

Of course, grown-ups change, too. And even though we no longer have a yearly photo documenting those changes, it's good to stop and reflect on how we're different. I can look at photos taken of me throughout adulthood and tell you, simply by the way I look, what I was going through at the time. There are the happy young bride photos. There are the exhausted new mother photos. There are the overwhelmed mother-of-two-toddlers photos. There are the grief-stricken daughter who's lost her mother and is now consoling herself with food photos. And then, there are the photos of the woman who's found herself again.

 

Just as with my junior high photos, they're not always my best looks. But I wouldn't trade them for anything. They're documentation of the journey that's brought me right to the place I was meant to be.

 

 

A New Relationship

I can't tell you how badly I want to see Eve Ensler's (she of The Vagina Monologues fame) new play called The Good Body. It's all about women's obsession with physical perfection.

 

That's a topic I can relate to; actually, my obsession has never been with perfection, but rather with my own imperfections. So has Ensler's apparently -- in the play, one of the main characters talks about her relationship with her stomach. She calls it her "tormentor," adding that her relationship with her stomach has been her "most serious committed relationship."

 

At first, that line made me laugh really hard. Then it sort of made me want to cry.

 

We've all got one -- or several. Those body parts we obsess about, fret about, worry about and generally assume that everyone's looking at and judging (I'll give you a hint -- mine follows me around). And chances are, we've spent way too much of our lives in a bad relationship with it. I know I have.

 

I've often wondered how my life might be different if instead of berating myself for my imperfections, I instead embraced those imperfections wholeheartedly, focusing all my love on them. It's sort of like that tired old women's magazine advice to "play up your flaws" because they're what make you unique. It's a subject I addressed at length in my upcoming book (due out this spring). We might not be able to change our bodies, but we can change our relationship with them -- an act that has a far-reaching ripple effect in our lives.

 

It's not always easy. But it can be done.

 

I hope you'll try it. Just for today, take that one body part -- whether you downright hate it or just grimace at it when you look in the mirror -- and tell yourself that it's what makes you unique and beautiful. If you're really feeling wild and crazy, dress to make the most of it (not hide it) and revel in the attention it brings.

 

Do it with confidence and tell me how it makes you feel.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

A heated debate has been raging in our house this week about the use of the term T-LAG. As we sat down to a post-baseball practice dinner of pizza, my husband launched into an explanation of the mechanics of throwing, describing the motion that helps boys avoid T-LAG.

"T-LAG?" I asked. "What the heck is that?"

"You know," he said. "T-LAG. Throwing like a girl."

Oh no he didn't!

I glanced over at my daughter -- a fast-pitch softball player -- and the look on her face said it all: Eyebrows raised, mouth set in a tight line. Her Dad saw it, too, and quickly back-pedaled, explaining how female anatomy leads girls to throw in a certain motion.

Keep digging it, buddy, I thought, now feeling highly entertained by the whole spectacle.

My dad, who happened to be visiting, tried to jump to my husband's defense by talking about how much trouble male baseball players have hitting off a female fast-pitcher because they're not used to that kind of throwing.

That's it, Dad. Jump in the hole with him.

Of course there are anatomical differences between men and women, and those differences sometimes play themselves out in sports and in the gym. But if you watched any of the recent Olympic competition in softball or track and field events, I'm sure you know what I mean when I say that some of the men I know probably wish they could T-LAG.

Measuring My 'Success'

As I approach the one-year anniversary of the end of my time as Shape magazine's Weight-Loss Diary columnist -- and, boy, that went fast! -- I can't help but wonder what the scale says today. I know...really, it's not important. Not buying a scale for my house was a conscious decision I made to release myself from a full year of being obsessive and fixated on a number. Honestly, that's no way to live.

We were chatting a few days ago over at MizFit's blog about maintaining weight loss. Lots of readers commented that maintaining can be tough because it just isn't as "sexy" as losing. When you're working hard to lose weight, every pound down is a thrill. When you're maintaining, it's all about jumping on the scale and seeing the needle not move. Not quite the same, eh? But every once in a while, I'm reminded of just how far I've come. Let me share...

Last week, the kids and I went to a party and among the guests was a family that used to live near us. I hadn't seen them in well over a year, and I'd forgotten that they hadn't seen me, either. "Shocked" doesn't begin to describe the look on my friend's face. "You look fantastic," he said. "You've lost a ton of weight!"

"Not quite a ton," I told him. "But quite a bit."

We laughed and I have to say I felt really uplifted by that little exchange. Compliments are always nice, of course, but more importantly, it was a great reminder of the major changes I've made -- and the results they've produced. It's easy to forget how much work it took to create my healthy habits.

A little reminder now and then is great motivation to keep going.

The Tough Questions

Sitting with my daughter the other night, watching some silly entertainment wrap-up show, a brief piece came on about female Olympic athletes...specifically, female Olympic athletes who'd chosen to pose for Playboy magazine's "Women of the Olympics" pictorial. We watched together in silence for a few minutes, then my daughter turned to me and said, "Why would they do that, Mom?"

I'm a pretty open-minded mom who doesn't back away from any subject -- I prefer that my kids get their answers from me and I've answered some doozies already in my time as a parent -- but I'll confess that this one stumped me. "I don't know," I told her.

We talked a bit about female empowerment -- you know, the old "it's my body and if I'm controlling how it's presented, and benefiting from it, then I'm in charge" argument that some women have used to justify their choice to become strippers or prostitutes or anything else that requires them to put themselves forth as sex objects. We also talked about objectification and how it can be very demeaning to put yourself in a role where others are invited to judge you solely on what you look like, or on their fantasy of you.

First, the empowerment argument. Check out this piece from ESPN.com by writer Laura Boswell. Then, for another perspective on objectification, read this piece written by Caroline Heldman for Ms. Magazine.   

In the end, I told my daughter that many female athletes are rightfully proud of their bodies and the hard work they put into them...and that opportunities like Playboy pictorials offer them money to pay for their training, as well as opportunities for more media exposure (no pun intended) that will continue to bring in more fame and money. But we also talked about the price of such fame -- and whether you'd rather be famous for winning an Olympic medal for your hard athletic work or be famous for what your body looks like...because when they see those pictures, some people might not care or remember that you're a world-class athlete. To them, you might be just another naked woman.

I'm curious: What would you all have said?

Creepy Messages (And Other Ways We Hurt Our Girls)

By now, you've all probably heard about the Olympic lip-synching brouhaha, in which one little girl's voice was used during the opening ceremony, while another "prettier" little girl was sent out in her place to be the public face in front of the voice. Chinese politics and other assorted issues aside, I can't stop thinking about how this will affect that little singer in the years to come. Yes, she's seven and I'm sure many people are thinking she'll soon get over the sting.

She won't.

The hurt may fade over time, but I suspect that for the rest of her life, every time that girl looks in the mirror, she'll see a face that isn't good enough...ugly, even.

Sigh.

Once again, this incident implies to girls and women across the globe that you can be successful -- have a beautiful voice, be an elite athlete, run a profitable corporation or raise a healthy, loving family -- but if you don't have the "look," you're not all you could be. You're not quite good enough. And how about the message sent to the "pretty" girl? That all she's got going for her are her looks?

Sigh again.

In other creepy message news, I came across a story yesterday about preteen girls getting bikini waxes (check this out to see what I mean). What was most disturbing about the story, though, was the implication that mothers are driving this "trend." To me, there's a big difference between a child who comes to you, asking for help in dealing with something that she's uncomfortable with, and a mom who takes action on her own, clearly implying that her daughter has some defect that needs to be addressed. If a girl can't count on her mom to tell her she's normal and beautiful just the way she is, who can she count on?