Searching For a Yummy Memory

Did you completely relate to Roxanne's post about emotional eating yesterday? I sure did. In fact, I'm having an emotional eating episode myself today -- but it's not quite what you might think.

When I was a little girl and it was a special occasion, my mother used to make her raisin squares -- a yummy sweet pastry topped with powdered sugar. I loved to watch her roll out the pie crust and to smell the sweet aroma in the kitchen. And, if I was really good, she'd let me use the sifter to dust the top of the finished pan with powdered sugar. I felt so grown-up and important. Talk about a sense memory!

Today marks the fifth anniversary of the last time I hugged my mom and felt her hug me back. She was going in for a fairly serious, but routine surgery the next morning. I'm sure you can guess where this is going. She developed complications immediately following the surgery, lapsed into a coma and died two weeks later.

It's a hard day for me. She wasn't just a mother, she was a friend. And when I'm missing her most, my thoughts often turn to food. Not the empty emotional kind of eating we sometimes use to fill a void, but the need to connect with her through foods she used to make. Today, I want to make those raisin squares. I haven't tasted them since she's been gone.

But I don't have the recipe. She never gave me a copy (though I have many of her other recipes). I've called my dad, who has gone through every one of her old cookbooks, looking for the handwritten notes she often stuffed in the pages. I've called my aunt, who could only come up with a recipe for currant tarts. I've been wasting far too much time on the Internet, looking for recipes that might be the one. All I know is that it involved applesauce, so I've been able to eliminate most that way.

So it's become a bit of a quest. I've decided I'm just going to buy some applesauce, raisins, powdered sugar and pie crust mix and see if I can wing it. If I'm lucky, she'll be somewhere watching and guiding me to just the right mix of ingredients...or having a good laugh at my attempt.

Either way, I'm sure I'll get what I need -- to think of her, smile and remember.

How about you? Got any strong food memories of loved ones gone or of childhood days?

Comments

[Roxanne]

I'm sorry you miss your mommy today. Definitely wing it, and I bet you can figure out the recipe.

Thankfully, my Auntie Mary Ann put together a recipe book for me when I got married eons ago, with all of my grandmother's recipes (or at least her best guess at them).

I think about my Gram all the time when I use those recipes. I'm so grateful to have them.

Now, I just need to learn how to make my mother-in-law's sweet pickles because I know my husband will want them years from now when she's gone.

[MizFit]

chills.

I love that you so clearly let her know how much you loved her.

on a little lighter note as per your question: NO.

I swear I am from the only Jewish family where food wasnt a 'thing' at all.

my mom wasnt into cooking and our celebrations/sad-times/whatevs werent foodcentric.

which was nice (I guess? so Im told?) but after reading your post perhaps not so.

if pressed Id go with Tollhouse cookies---recipe right from bag :)

M.

[Dara Chadwick]

Thanks, Roxanne. I'll be picking up the ingredients today and giving it a try.

MizFit, our celebrations weren't really food-centric, either, but those memories of specific foods that I associate with my mom make me want those foods whenever I'm missing her. As for the Tollhouse cookies? I'm right there with you.

[Sagan]

That's really sweet, thanks for sharing.

I've been on a similar quest: my grandma used to make peanut butter cookies. My only memory of her is walking into her house and her greeting me with a plate full of peanut butter cookies.

Her recipe books are in storage somewhere so I've experimented with making lots of different peanut butter cookies, but I'm looking forward to the day when I find HER recipe. Good luck!

[Nina]

I lost my mother only a few weeks ago, and so all those things that tie you to childhood memory are very fresh and raw (and seemingly everywhere) for me.

I'm hoping that you find your recipe, and that it's just the way that you remember it.

[Dara Chadwick]

Sagan, I hope you find that cookie recipe. Food can be a really fun way to reconnect with good memories.

Nina, I'm so very sorry for your loss. I know words are a small comfort at a time like this, but please know that I'm thinking of you and wishing you peace.